I was thinking of a friend I've been getting to know online, who lives in America but has mentioned the possibility of coming to England for a visit. It's exciting to think that one day I might get to meet her face to face. We've had great chats using the wonders of modern technology, but there's nothing like sitting somewhere together and chatting over a coffee. (or a nice English cup of tea...)
When I was a kid I had a penpal, a girl who lived in the same country but in some other town, and we wrote to each other regularly, but after a while we decided it would be nice to meet up and her parents invited me to come and stay. It was exciting, meeting her face to face after she'd been a kind of "invisible" friend, someone I'd been getting to know without seeing her.
I've been getting to know Jesus for a long while now - since 1989! I've had chats with him - no technology required :) - and I've been reading his letters (yes, I mean the Bible) but I do get excited at the thought that one day I'll meet him face to face, I'll see him for real and what's even more exciting is that I'll see him looking at me. I feel all warm and tingly thinking about it, because I can feel his love shining onto me just sitting here thinking of the prospect.
And yet - there is that part of me that feels a bit... I don't know... uncomfortable... because I know I so often don't live up to his standards, I know I let him down. If we take that penpal analogy - the girl I corresponded with was my equal, she was a schoolgirl like me, around my age, with faults and weaknesses of her own. But imagine if you were a child in some third world country who has been sponsored by a grown-up abroad, someone who pays for your education and who writes to you to show their care and concern for you, someone who you might feel has a right to expect you to do well... imagine if someone has been doing that for you because they want to give you the chance to fulfil your potential, but you've often done the childish thing and played truant from school... When you hear that person is coming to visit, you might feel a bit embarrassed, a bit sheepish...
That's why I have mixed feelings when I think about the day I'll get to meet Jesus - whether it's when he comes back or when I die, whichever happens first. I am excited about meeting the love of my life, the one who loves me so much that I can barely grasp how much he loves me, the one who loved me enough to give his life for me... the one I've been slowly getting to know over the years, and I know he is utterly wonderful... and at the same time I feel uncomfortable because I know I have, again and again, let him down.
Thankfully I know that he is not going to let that stuff get in the way. I know the theory - in my head I know that he loves me unconditionally, I know that he has already paid for all the stuff I've done wrong and all that I'm still going to do, I know that he chose to love me despite my weaknesses, I know all this stuff in my head but it's hard to take in. It's awesome - literally, it fills me with awe.
